Conflict to Connection: 8 Simple Rules

No matter what anyone tells you, let me clarify with bass in my chest & a bold font for emphasis: every relationship has conflict. Not only does every relationship have conflict, every relationship should have conflict, not because it's fun to fight it out obviously (though some people love a verbal spar) but because conflict can actually lead to legitimate and genuine connection. Listening to understand the person in front of you in their frustration, sadness, overwhelm and complaint is about as considerate as we can be in the pursuit of authentic relationships, but it can be hard to do straight out the gate without any sense of how you stay on a healthy "here's what you did and why it's bothered me" track.

This is why we use fair fighting rules, which essentially affirm not only that it's okay to have a barney between two people, there's actually a way to do it that makes the fight fundamentally productive for everyone involved (what an absolute vibe). Let's get into the list:

1. Before you start kicking off, ask yourself why you feel upset.

Are you angry because your partner didn't do the dishes? OR are you angry because you feel like you’re doing the lion's share of the work at home and this is just another piece of evidence in the ever growing case against your significant other? Take time to reflect on it, and genuinely think about your own feelings before getting into the heat of an argument. Benefits? You come prepared, rational, still able to be annoyed (your feelings are allowed) but you're not being overruled by them to the point you're nonsensical or ineffective.

2. Discuss ONE THING at a time.

Don’t let “You left dishes in the sink” turn into “AND YOU NEVER RUB MY BACK!” Conversations that take off ramps to new discussions are always more likely to escalate a problem than they are to resolve it. The chat about the back rubs can come up later, when you next ask for a back rub and you're in a better mood reciprocally. Choose one topic and stick to it.

3. NO degrading language.

Discuss the problem, not the person. This cannot be emphasised enough, arguing is not an opportunity to use your mouth as a weapon of mass destruction. So no put-downs, avoid swearing (I'm not personally against it but curse words can be a way of avoiding pain, not revealing it) and obviously, absolutely no name-calling. Degrading language is merely a poor attempt to express negative feelings that make sure the other person feels just as bad as you do. If the goal is to be seen as terribly as you feel inside, sure - lean in! But know this: you're dismantling the validity of your argument when you attack in this way, you diminish your character and steer away from resolution, not towards it.

4. Express your feelings with words.

Words not behaviours is a big one. Slamming doors and being loud about the house is one way to tell your partner you're p*ssed off, but it's not really giving context and neither of you get much from that other than tension. Instead, structure your conversations with “I” statements to take ownership and offer clarity they can work with: “I feel emotion when this thing happens”. For those amongst you wanting to take creative authorship, starting with “I” does not give license to ignore the other fair fighting rules, AKA: "I feel angry because I think you're a w*nker" is not playing the game fairly, it does not pass go, it does not collect $200.

5. Take turns speaking.

Give your full attention while your partner speaks. Avoid making corrections or thinking about what you want to say, listen to understand - not to respond. Remember it's you against the problem, not the person and so the goal is to get some sense of sense about their point of view, even if you don't agree with it. If you find it difficult to hold your tongue and interjecting is a natural reflex, try setting a timer allowing 1-2 minutes for each person to speak without interruption. Ultimately here, treat the other person how you'd like to be treated - if you want to be heard, make sure you hear them.

6. NO stonewalling.

Okay so look, sometimes the easiest way to respond to an argument is to reverse right out of it, shut down and say nothing. Maybe you do this intentionally, maybe you do this because you're in a habit of it, maybe you don't even know you're doing it and your partner's staring at the blank canvas of your brain wondering why you've logged off. Temporarily, stonewalling can bring relief, but the original issue will remain unresolved and it'll honestly just make things worse. If you absolutely cannot go on, tell your partner you need to take a time-out. Set a time to come back to it - and come back to it.

7. NO shouting.

Shouting doesn't help you to be heard, you're just louder and often, burning your vocal chords out unless you've warmed up for the occasion. It can sometimes, for some people, feel like yelling it out is the only way the job gets done, this in itself is a sign you need to check in on the comms' between you as something's probably gone awry and it's time to regroup. Assertive tone and language yes, excessive vocalisations, absolutely not.

8. Take a time-out

Ideally, we'd all be smashing out these rules and nailing them 100% of the time, but it just doesn't happen like that and it's important to acknowledge that the goal is growth and not perfection. So IF an argument starts to become intense, too heated, you need space to collect your self, take a time-out. Agree on a time to come back and discuss the problem once you've both cooled off and come down from the intensity, circle back to fair fighting rules and recognise you're stretching your tolerance for direct healthy communication and it's okay for it to be tricky.

Struggling to regulate your self, your thoughts and feelings?

Have a look at the resources here for self soothing and chilling out the central nervous system more specifically when you're wanting to cool off and bring a calmer sense of self to the conflict.

Featured Writer:

Li Laurent  Therapist, Researcher & Specialist Coach

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